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That’s an Executive Membership card, thank you very much!

Anyone that knows me knows that I have an affinity for Costco.

I love that place so much that I get excited just driving around the parking lot looking for a good spot and won’t give up until I feel satisfied with one. All of a sudden it happens; the magical reverse lights on an SUV with no other car in sight. It’s ALL MINE! So I wait. and wait. and wait, allowing other cars to go around and people to stare at me as they have to maneuver their carts past my car.  I pay no mind; they’re just envious of my spot that’s sprung up due to good Karma.  As the person starts to back-up almost nabbing someone (all part of the process of reversing close to the entrance) they finally pull-out and I pull in, smiling with a wave that says, “Thanks for your spot. I’ll enjoy it as much as you did!” 50% of the time I’ll actually get an enthusiastic wave back! With the kids in tow I grab a cart, put my son in the seat without ever getting the legs in the right spot on the first try, since there’s 4 slots to choose from, and make my way in the door by fumbling through my wallet for that freaking membership card. I should be prepared by now, but I’m not nor ever will be.  I flash the greeter my card, still unsure after all of these exact moments on what I need to do. Do I smile? Should I have eye contact? Do I just pretend like this awkward moment doesn’t bother me due to fear of being rude to the lady with the clicker? I wish I could ask someone, but everyone else just seems to walk through with ease. I walk on believing I looked like an idiot with a VIP access card to a nightclub.

But once I’m in, the experience begins.  The initial walk-way stops me every time. In the Winter it’s the rotating heater that welcomes you in to the Costco home. I stand there wondering if there will ever be a time when I might need that warm and cozy item in my house. I want one just to experience that same feeling every day….but I walk on to the next item. In Spring it’s the glass beverage dispenser that I would LOVE to have for that ONE time it might come in handy. But I continue since I realize I’d probably forget it was in a cabinet somewhere and serve lemonade at a party straight out of the bottle like every other time. And that glorious kite I actually did purchase then returned feeling like there should have been a disclaimer that one must be an engineer in order to operate it. I took one look at that sucker out of it’s container and knew it was going to be a pain in my ass. Just like their ginormous inflatable ball that a person can get in the middle of and roll down hills. That thing looked so fun on the box, but take it out and each individual hexagon needed to be aired up. After the pump broke half-way through I attempted to blow it up myself while the kids stood watching the entire time. But fear came when I  realized my Julia Roberts vein in my forehead might actually burst this time, so I stopped.Gotta love the bulging veins we share. I’m practically famous!!

Tom and I brought it back to Costco just as it was and the sweet old man at the “returns only” counter took it back with a smile. Did I need to tell them there was a mysterious hole in it, too? I don’t think so since they seem to have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy with all returns. That’s one of my favorite things about that place since I’ll be damned if I keep something I don’t want…I’ll refrain from sharing all the items I’ve ever returned there since some might prove just how much a dollar means to me.

Summer is just plain fun in Costco. It’s the only time you can walk through the refrigerated areas without shivering, although I always wish I brought a jacket in just to cover a certain area of my body so as not to show the world I was cold, if you know what i mean. I bet some perves just stand by the cheeses just to stare at women walking out of the dairy cooler. What a bunch of sickos! Alright, that thought just entered my mind so next time I come out I’m watching with an eagle eye. Besides perves, the Summer also carries several different ways to “go green”. My weakness? Water bottles. Who knew one could perfect a water bottle as often as CONTIGO does? I have every one they’ve ever come out with and the newest design with the straw is perfection at it’s best….although I did realize that when it’s quiet in church it’s best not to bring that one because it makes a gurgle sounds when you stop. That’s just an FYI, but other than that I give my 2 toe thumbs up! Then we hit Fall and it’s all about Christmas. Christmas, Christmas, Christmas…and I don’t hate it. I browse those two huge aisles of gigantic rolls of wrapping paper, ribbons and bows, gift bags, reindeer, wreaths and every other decoration they have up before Halloween is even over. Thankfully my kids who need Ginko Biloba, do not have the best memory so I also love to take my kids through the toy area to start their mental wishlist because by the time Christmas rolls around they’ve already forgotten and I can pretty much get them whatever I want because at that point they’re so sick of hoping for something that they will just be happy to get anything. Needless to say, I could live in a Christmas store and never get tired of it and Costco pretty much sets my tone for the next 2 months. Thanksgiving who?

And as we stroll through every aisle, I have to also grab the super-sized bottles of Crown Royal and Captain Morgan along with a case of Blue Moon for the house. Boy does that make me feel like a winner. I would seriously love to tell everyone who glances at my cart, “Just so you know, these are for a party we’re having” even though it’s just to stock the liquor cabinet. I feel like a pathetic drunk with my two kids who are also oblivious as I slide those bottles faaaaar underneath the seat so no one will see or judge. I think I might feel like people give a crap way more than they actually do, but it still bothers me nonetheless.

Then we hit every sample we can, including the Glucosamine drink for me…I’ve always contemplated buying it so why not test it out, right? And there’s just something about getting samples there that make the kids LOVE everything. I buy the plain Fage Greek Yogurt for myself, but the kids won’t taste the plain one with honey at home to save their lives. Yet serve it as a sample and they end up licking the bottom of the cup and asking if they can have another one. Still so puzzling to me. The sample carts are so very bittersweet. I can’t believe an older man will elbow his way to the front past a mom and two kids for a piece of licorice, but he won’t get away with it without a little, “Geez” from me; that’ll show the old geezer! But I’ll tell you what, if they have the chimichangas on display you better believe I’ll send Carissa for seconds. I believe those ladies have memories like elephants and I’m always so afraid they’ll call me out for getting another one.

Finishing off my shopping experience in the freezer section, shock myself for the 3rd time on the handles and finally get smart and tap it first before grabbing another one. It’s still a mystery why it happens. I even made a joke out of it to the shopper next to me who then looks at me in a way to tell me I’m all alone in this. Come on people, learn to fake commiserating with someone in order to avoid making them feel like an idiot! Heck, I’ll tell someone I pooped my pants if they divulged it happened to them, just to make them feel less alone. “What?! You crapped your pants in the middle of Target? Me too! I’m sure it happens to more people than you think, just most people won’t admit it. Don’t feel bad!” But for this lady all I was asking for was an, “I know, right?!?! Shocks me every time!”

Now to get in line. This is where I wish I had a 15 year old kid that could just wait in line while I shopped. To all of you who do, but do not utilize them for that, if you see a mother shopping offer up your teenager. I’ll even buy them a hotdog afterward; which happen to be THE BEST dogs in the world! Who cares about the communal condiment dispenser, I load that bad boy UP, but I definitely use my forearm to push the levers down. Who knows what sick junk is on those things? So I give my littlest one the receipt that he ever so excitedly hands to the lady so he can get the world’s crappiest smiley face or to the grumpy one that just draws a line that I like to refer to as “a snake”. Walk my happy ass one aisle down to my car and load up all the bulk food I can store. I pull out of my space (barely missing a person) and watch with giddiness at the car waiting for my amazing spot. You’re welcome and enjoy!  Until next time, Costco. xoxoxo


About sheuser7

I'm really loving this whole "writing about nonsense" nonsense; it's fun! My first blog 'Bienvenidos' is pretty much me in a nutshell so have a look and leave a comment if you could! :)

One response »

  1. Love reading this and I had to lol when I read about the heater that greets you during the winter. I love that heater.

    I think I also need to check out your Julia Roberts vein, classic.


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