Everywhere I turn someone is having their third, fourth and even fifth baby and it’s making me feel inadequate. My mentality all my life has been, “If they can do it, then why shouldn’t I be able to?” So when I hear of another friend having a baby, that mentality hits me and I realize that wait, unless it’s by immaculate conception there is no way I can get pregnant. Then I shake my fist in the air and mumble a few curse words to myself because it makes me feel better.
I know that we can’t have children just because “everyone else is”, but it goes deeper than that for me. The idea that I ONLY have two can’t seem to escape my mind. Why can’t I be “mom” enough to have three or four? I feel that because we called it quits at two, that makes me the defeated one in this mom club that we indirectly put ourselves in that moment we get pregnant with our first.
Whenever I hold a baby I come home and ask Tom to get a reversal. He finds it funny that I would even ask. I think it’s funny, too, but then I ask him again 6 months later and he laughs again. It’s become an ongoing joke between us because he and I both know that the baby stage for us was tough. That’s hard to admit as a mother. The cause: Our kids didn’t sleep. EVER. Plain and simple. You know when you hear of someone having a newborn and they say, “My 2 month old already sleeps through the night!” the normal response should be, “Oh, that’s so wonderful!” Well, my face says that, but the response in my head is, “Screw off! Lies! They’re all LIES!!!” When that month mark hits and the baby actually wakes up from their sleep stage after coming out of the womb, my babies slept in 20-30 minute stretches causing me to question my parenting tactics daily. Yes, that first year when it came to nap or bedtime, I dreaded it knowing it was going to be a struggle for both of us.
Then I think, if I had a third it would be different. I wouldn’t put so much pressure on if they slept or not. I would just let them fall asleep on their own whenever they wanted to. Everything would be blissful. Right? Then my ever endearing husband reminds me of the what ifs. What if the third is tougher than the others? *Gasp* That makes me shudder a little just thinking about it. My kids got easier for me at what is known as the “TERRIBLE TWOS”, if that gives you any indication to how the baby stage was for me. Why? Because they SLEPT through the night! They still sleep 12 hours at night and I believe they’re making up for when they should have been sleeping 18 hours as babies instead of 6.
So then I ponder with the idea of adoption and Tom, again (bless this man), reminds me that we are officially at that stage with the kids where traveling becomes easier, no naps are required, they dress and feed themselves, no diapers and in one more year both kids will be in school and I can start focusing on the next chapter in MY life. Getting a little jobby job. That is all very enticing for sure!
**Don’t let these little “sleeping” angels fool you. I know for a fact these were 10 minute naps at only a couple of weeks old. And yes, swaddling was big in our house and I’m not quite sure why that wasn’t the case in either of these pictures…You know how most babies grow out of the swaddle at 5 or so months? I swaddled both of them until they were a year old bc it was the only way they would sleep longer than 10 minutes. I’m laughing to myself this very moment picturing my big ol’ babies swaddled like newborns.)**
So here’s the question: Why can’t I let it go? I have two wonderful kids that are growing in to such fantastic little human beings. Could it be because of the whole philosophy ‘you want what you can’t have?’ Maybe if I knew I could get pregnant I’d be VERY careful to make sure it didn’t happen, but because I know I CAN’T I want a baby even more. I dunno. Usually blogging about it gives me my answer by the time I finish, but this time I’m still right where I started…wanting to hold a perfect little newbie…who sleeps when they’re supposed to. 🙂